5/17/12

Haven’t really used my blog in a while. I don’t even know who pays attention to it. Does anyone even read this other than me? But then again how much do I care? About anything these days? I hate feeling the way I feel. I feel so conflicted.
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Everytime I look over my blog I remember all of those feelings. There’s nothing I can do about them. I still feel them, and I probably always will. But what can I do about it? I’m not strong enough to let it go. I’ve tried, and I keep trying. So, what now..? Live with it? I guess that’s what I’m stuck with for now. I guess Its not terrible. Its livable.
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On another note, there’s someone else. I still love the last one, a lot, but I think that’s something out of my control. I’ve realized he’s not coming back for me, ever. Is that progress in me? No longer living with false hopes and wasting utters of prayers on something I’m not meant to have? Maybe. I think it is. A piece of me wonders what will happen in the future. What if he ever decided to come back? What would I do, if my first love, so plagued with his own disorders, realized he’d been wrong? Could I forgive him? What if it made me want to show my love for him? I don’t know. Best not to ask questions that will never have answers until it’s far too late. That’s how it’s always been though. That’s how it will always be.
Enough about him. Back to the other. I’ve met another boy. But again, distance separates us. I’ve also wondered why I’m cursed with that. I wonder why I can’t just fall in love and have them fall for me, with someone that lives next door. He treats me like a princess. He’s everything I loved about the guy before, but he’s none of the bad. I’ve tried- as wrong as this may sound - to make him tick, to see if he’s like the rest. Shockingly he’s not. I believe he really loves me. I know this is dangerous though, because I let myself love him too. And, while he doesn’t know it, he has me in the palm of his hand. I let him believe that I’d be fine without him, but I know I wouldn’t be. I’m sure he’s the only reason I haven’t completely given up.
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I’m so scared of ending up how I was before though. But, then again, I still come here to vent, don’t I? That’s the thing with depression. Once you’ve had it, it never really goes away. It hides in the corners, and it pulls you into the darkness with it when you least expect it.

Oh well. C’est la vie..

(Source: i-moon-shine, via disturbed-doll)